Things we cannot have

I had a comment to post in reply to this blog post by the chaplain:

http://thechapel.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/to-see-or-not-to-see

But my comment grew to more than 3 paragraphs, so I made a post of my own about it.

I would like to applaud BlackSun's remarks (in the comments section) and add a few of my own.

People are almost never totally honest in the reasons they give for being bothered or offended by something. Often times they are not even honest with themselves. We've all heard of rabidly anti-gay homophobes who are actually closet homosexuals.

I'm just not convinced this girl (in the post) is telling the truth. She may not even know the truth of her own feelings. Are we sure she's really religious? Maybe she has some other kinds of physical issues that make sex a problem for her. Maybe she was even traumatized by incest or rape. Of course she would never want to publicly admit either of these things, so she pretends to be the good and pure girl who just wants modesty, going so far as to even join a website that's all about modesty. She's looking for an excuse she can use to justify her feelings to others (and to herself). If she is actually harboring deep pain or shame, then I feel great pity for her.

Or maybe I'm giving her too much complexity and she really is just a simpleton who was raised in an oppressive household. :)

Religion is responsible for a majority of these problems, but not all of them, because there is something runs deeper in human nature.

Many years ago, I knew someone who loved golf as much as life itself. But then he had a crushed shoulder that prevented him from playing golf. He became agitated whenever people around him would talk about golf. He became golf-repressed. As ridiculous as that sounds, it was a real problem. He really harbored a bitterness about the subject, and I wouldn't be surprised if today he views golfers as lazy, arrogant, country-club snobs.

Some women who are against abortion are harboring resentment and jealousy because they didn't have a choice when they got knocked up. But they don't want to admit that (even to themselves) so they couch it in religious arguments.

Some people are sexually-repressed but not by choice. Either they have a disability, or they are unable to find a partner, or they have a partner who is unable to satisfy them. These people are likely to become resentful of our culture that puts such a strong value on sex and sexuality.

People who have struggled with poverty their whole life can become bitter towards people who do well. I grew up in a state where I met too many people who honestly hated college kids and college graduates. They would call college people sissies and fools and cowards and communists all kinds of bad names. Deep down in side, I'm sure they are just harboring bitterness and resentment that they never got a chance for an easier life.

Life wasn't fair to these people, so they take out their anger on the people who had a fair life.

So in the deepest sense, this has nothing to do with sexuality or religion. This is a common human disease where we let ourselves be tortured and tormented by something we desperately want but can't have. But we don't want to admit (even to ourselves) that we can be so petty and desperate over things that shouldn't be so important to us. And if we can't admit it and be okay with ourselves as we are, then these issues will only solidify with age.

I consider myself lucky to be a highly introspective person. There are a lot of pathologies I could have fallen victim to if I wasn't constantly "debugging" my internal thought process. I am often frustrated with people who aren't introspective. With those kinds of people, you have to just hope they were programmed right from the start, because they sure-as-heck aren't ever going to apply patches to their own mental software. :)

But I think part of the reason I CAN be so introspective is because I don't feel bound to any ideology or dogma. I have always known since I was a child that I'm totally making EVERYTHING up as I go (because I had no parents to teach me). And even today, everything I am is a result of a tremendous amount of trial-and-error on my part, so I won't guarantee the accuracy of any of it. :)